Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
You Might Also Like
I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.
Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this