There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
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Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Shower sex be like:
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”