@adamgreattweet

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

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@rablivingstone

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

@nerdreign

I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.

@Deurb1

Piss off the DJ by dancing the Macarena to all his music.

@JermHimselfish

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

@HomeProbably

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

@justabloodygame

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

@AmishPornStar1

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

@botandy

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

@andlikelaura

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

@Playing_Dad

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this