[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
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It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.