There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Noah
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Discuss
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?