There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Best seat on the street 😍
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.