There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Taliband
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?