I basically have 3 hairstyles…
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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For my 19000 tweet? A joke…
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”