@skittle624

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

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@chicnlil1

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

@simoncholland

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

@darinlovesbacon

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

@JustMeTurtle

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

@NickBossRoss

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

@ApostasyPanda

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”