A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”