“She is not fine.”
There is a new app. that tells you how smarter your dog is.
Here’s how it works :-
If you bought the app. your dog is smarter than you.
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Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”