There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
When I laugh on my period
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didnāt even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Do you think police always say āDo you know why I pulled you over?ā on the off chance that youāll admit to some high crime?
āShit… Was it the treason?ā
Nailed it…šļøšš
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Can you guys make me famous? Iām tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
him: Hey whatās the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: thatās not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Fact:
āIntercourseā sounds more like itās about vehicular traffic than sex.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.