There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
When your man makes a valid point
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
courtroom exchange of the day
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.