There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Blew out my flip flop…
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.