There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world