@GingerGander

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

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@pakalupapito

2 reasons why im fat

1) i eat when I’m bored
2) im always bored

@BeingDBEAST

The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…

@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

@LilMamacitaDont

I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.

@Smooheed

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

@stevevsninjas

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

@ArfMeasures

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go