car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.
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I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
‘Dude – just get a watch.’