[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Taliband
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye