@ShoutingGoddess

There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.

*sharpening knife*

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@justokdane

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@JessObsess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

@tchrquotes

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

@OtherDanOBrien

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

@tsnotoole

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

@Smooheed

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.