There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
notice
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair