@Bob_Janke

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh

@KyleSmells

quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well

@ixix82

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

@meganamram

Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

@007Pepe_Rex

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

@TheDjinnTrials

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

@rickkondell

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

@_sleepysmile

What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?

@hippieswordfish

‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?