There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

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[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month]

“Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?”

ME: uh oh


quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well


By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.


Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone


[At the Grand Canyon]


I L o v e T h i s P l a c e



GC: Let’s just be friends


A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.


Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.


What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?


‘sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.’

what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?