There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
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the greatest twitter interaction
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.