There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

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me: dogs have 4 legs


me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen


Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS


Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.


A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade


me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for


[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet


Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday


I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer


Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot