Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
when mom throws a party…
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*