@McClaneJohn2

There is exactly a 7 second window between an omelette and scrambled eggs.

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@realrossnoble

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

@pleatedjeans

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

@dadthatwrites

you’re on step fourteen of sixteen assembling the couch. alas, you used the wrong screw on step three. to rectify this, you must disassemble not only the couch, but your entire house, atom by atom, and reassemble it perfectly to both ikea’s and god’s specifications.

@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@EndhooS

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

@KentWGraham

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.