There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Lol
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god