There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Inside you there are two wolves
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.