There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
blocked.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.