There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.