@candidartichoke

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

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@timdonakowski

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@internetluke

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

@faungirl123

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

@BoomBoomBetty

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

@dril

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

@Tmoney68

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”