@mikeleffingwell: STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN'S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@com3t0think0fit: Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow. Me: Throws holy water in her face. *Neighbor melts Me: Not today Satan.

@mandysparklerxo: I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won't be renewing my lease.

@mrjohndarby: Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she's a keeper

@Jenny4ashley: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*