@candidartichoke

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

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@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@tarashoe

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

@djdarrellripley

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

@HellRaisingHell

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

@LuckoftheDraw86

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

@CauseWereGuys

Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.

@SatansTongue

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.