@candidartichoke
@EmissaryKerry Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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@EmissaryKerry 
@HuttonGray “YOLNT”
-Cats
@timdonakowski I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
@JessObsess People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
@internetluke [raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
@faungirl123 Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
@BoomBoomBetty [raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
@dril broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
@LurkAtHomeMom Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
@Tmoney68 In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”