There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
You Might Also Like
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired