There is no “ea” in Tim.
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*