There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*