there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My boss called in sick of me
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Mornin. * use accordingly
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.