I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.