@Bearslietoo

There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.

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@AndrewChamings

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

@panmidwest

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

@ghostkrogh

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

@lazerdoov

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

@ShortSleeveSuit

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

@ColoChiver

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.

@dimplesticks

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

@le_buns

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.