@AndrewChamings
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
@Bearslietoo
There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.
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@AndrewChamings
@panmidwest
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
@ghostkrogh
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
@lazerdoov
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
@ShortSleeveSuit
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
@LoveNLunchmeat
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
@ColoChiver
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.
@dimplesticks
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
@le_buns
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
@QwertyJones3
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.