There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.

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sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks


HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually


[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.


The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold


[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me


I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.


I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.


Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵


*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”


A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.