@Jmboyd58

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

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@VerbsRProudest

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

@That_Damn_Duck

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

@quintabrunson

Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.

P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.

@TweetPotato314

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

@TheMichaelRock

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you have nothing to worry about.

@marcmack

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

@Maxine12333

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

@andylassner

“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”

-Critics

@SIGHFIDELITY

*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*