my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.