There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂