There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
R.I.P.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room