waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
U talkin 2 me?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.