The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.
When I’m having sex with him.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please