*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
look at me when i’m typing to you
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.