@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

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@dongfuture

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

@EmissaryKerry

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

@Desert_Musings

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

@RandomManik

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?

@slimmy_shady

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

@ItsDanSheehan

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

@JohnLyonTweets

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

@LittleLostLad

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.