A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out