@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

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@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@sixfootcandy

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

@unravelingfire

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

@DirtMcTurd

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

@VisionBored1

I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”

@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

@simoncholland

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

@weinerdog4life

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

@michaelianblack

Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.

@ohen39

[birthday party]
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
kid: okay
me: alright, now blow it out