There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

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The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.


“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.


Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.


No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED


Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs


My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.

When I’m having sex with him.


Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read


When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid


Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..


Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please