@Carbosly

There is no life on earth without water.nBecause without water, there is no coffee.nAnd without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

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@NoTheOtherJohn

The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

@shellyspivey

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!” nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

@DiamondLou69

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

@GingerAtLaw

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

@Reverend_Scott

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

@VivaVeronica122

My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.

When I’m having sex with him.

@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@andlikelaura

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please