There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do