There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Great game to play with friends
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?