There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.

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ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”


GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”


idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go


Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!


CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher


Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars


Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.


We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.


I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.


I’m a pretty confident woman until I walk out of the grocery store & try to find where I parked.