There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.

There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

CDC: clean commonly touched surfaces
Moms everywhere: we don’t have to worry about wiping down the dishwasher

Hangs a sign on front door that says “Robbery in progress – Please do not disturb” to deter burglars

Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

I’m a pretty confident woman until I walk out of the grocery store & try to find where I parked.

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