My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
At least my masseuse has my back.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.