There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
You Might Also Like
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
the three branches of government
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Meow?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.