When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*