There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt