When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though