There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

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My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.


I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.


The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.


me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go


When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”


Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.


Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?

Jill: It was a riot.

Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.


Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.


God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*


1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!