There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

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Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.


When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.


I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.


My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.


I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write


CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.


[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt


I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.


Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.