@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

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@Prof_Peejay

Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.

Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.

@CulturedRuffian

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

@callapilla

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

@seamussaid

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

@roxiqt

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

@Beer4AGoodTime

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.