There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.