there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine


Her: Are you getting off early today?



Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*


My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy


Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t


[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*


Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it


A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds


I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.


Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”