@rachelle_mandik

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

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@TheBoydP

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

@RdrJay47

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

@briancthayer

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

@Merman_Melville

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

@iscoff

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

@joeljeffrey

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

@thedad

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

@weinerdog4life

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

@LilFlaOrange30

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

@MrsGoose69

Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”