ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
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So true for me
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I was just discussing this with my cat
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth