there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.


*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’


Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.


[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit


[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*


The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.


Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth