There is no “we” in pizza
You Might Also Like
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”
*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*