This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
There is no “we” in pizza
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un
1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Turns out you can’t bring your cat onto a bus even if he’s wearing a top hat and cape.
Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.
Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school
2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism