There is no “we” in pizza

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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.


Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being


Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept


Turns out you can’t bring your cat onto a bus even if he’s wearing a top hat and cape.

Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.


Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.


Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send


Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits



me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it


2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school

2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism