There is no “we” in pizza
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!