I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR
I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”