@kv8

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

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@squirrel74wkgn

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

@CakeThrottle

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

@moreki_mo

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

@anerdonfire2

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@That_Damn_Duck

I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

@Lemonidas42

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”