a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing