All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Prince: should I use a ladder or your hair to climb up to you?
Rapunzel: DO NOT USE THE LATTER!!!
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.