There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing