There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Europe. Made in Germany.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house