There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
You Might Also Like
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome