there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
You Might Also Like
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please