There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’m giving up for Lent.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.